English to French Other Sports / Fitness / Recreation Basketball

CONTEXT:
This is part of a comedy show by an African-American decent comedian. He explains how two "black dudes" don't respect each other when they are in their 30s, no matter where they are (for example in a subway ride).
> What is to translate is the "He can't guard me" phrase.

SENTENCE/PHRASE (subtitles):

"If this subway ride
were to all of a sudden

just magically turn
into a basketball game,

he can't guard me.

He can't.

Uh-uh.
I can take him.

They're gonna split us up.
We're not gonna be on the same team.

Look, if Malcolm and Martin
couldn't work together,

what chance is there for him and me?"


Mainly, I am trying to confirm whether to guard someone in basketball means to protest / defend (on the same team) OR to play opposite teams and try to get the ball from the opponent.... And how "he can't guard me" can be translated (in a humoristic way, if possible).

NOTES:
--This is for a FR-Canada audience.
--This is for subtitling, so it must be SHORT.

MERCI! :)